RELEASING EXPECTATIONS: HOW I LEARNED TO EMBRACE ALL POSSIBILITIES INSTEAD OF JUST ONE.
(7 minute read)
It was an early August morning as my husband Joel and I headed east from Toronto on Highway 401 to begin our 6000 kilometre, Atlantic Canada road-trip adventure. In the glove box was what we had playfully named THE SUPER AGENDA — a finely detailed itinerary outlining each of our incredible 15 days that Joel had spent several months researching, mapping, budgeting and scheduling for.
Somewhere along the road between Ontario and New Brunswick, I took another look at The Super Agenda and became filled with anticipation as I reviewed all that we had planned.
I found myself daydreaming about the things I was most looking forward to and imagining what they’d be like. I pictured them in my mind and played through made-up scenarios, like little hopeful vignettes, in my head.
I could feel my excitement building, my hopes climbing and my expectations beginning to soar!
So I gently caught myself, took a deep breath, smiled knowingly, and stopped.
That’s Quite A Grip Ya’ Got There
The person that I was 20 years ago wouldn’t have been able to do that. Back then I would have given life to those soaring expectations. I would have developed an emotional attachment to them and held much too tightly onto how I had envisioned things were going to be.
Clutching to my expectations, as though doing so could conjure them into being, I’d count on things happening the way I expected, the way they were supposed to.
When things didn’t turn out the way I expected, I’d have an awfully difficult time getting past it. I’d either end up feeling mad, sad, let down, sorry for myself, irritated, pissed off, disrespected, or discouraged yet always, always, disappointed.
Without even being aware of it, I’d count on my expectations so much that I had lost the ability to be flexible. In those days, ‘just roll with it’ was not in my vocabulary, and so, there were potentially great experiences that were marred by my inability to shift, wonderful moments that were dulled by the fog of my irritation, exciting opportunities that were missed because I hadn’t been open to them, and sometimes, close friendships that suffered.
Well, Someone Had To Do It
Always the optimist, I’d get my heart set on things that I was really looking forward to and oftentimes, my expectations would exceed reality. Not in a delusional kind of way, but more in a Pollyanna-ish, excessively hopeful kind of way.
I’d tend to pin my hopes on, bank on or build things up so much in head that afterwards, I would often find myself feeling a little let down or dissatisfied.
When it came to my friends I was no different. I would expect them to behave in a way that I thought they should. I mean c’mon, if something seemed obvious to me, then shouldn’t it have also seemed obvious to them?
It took a blow-up of an argument for me to learn.
Being completely cheesed with a good friend who hadn’t done something that I thought he ought to have, I made the brilliant decision to call him up and let him know it.
As we talked argued, I stubbornly stood my self-righteous ground and naturally, the conversation escalated. Eventually, we were just two people yelling at each other, until he finally shouted, in complete exasperation, “WHAT ARE YOU? THE FUCKING FRIEND POLICE!?”
Needless to say, we both hung up angry.
Class Is In Session
That was, I would later realize, my first lesson in Expectation Management 101.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that argument played a significant role in my personal growth and development.
Once I was able to reflect on it rationally (which took time, a round of sistah’ convo-sessions, and a whole lot of growing up), I found it led me to take a good, hard, deep, honest look at myself.
I thought about being called ‘The Fucking Friend Police’ and to my dismay, I discovered my friend was right.
Who the hell was I to place expectations, my expectations, onto other people, expect them to meet them, and then be in a huff about it when they didn’t?
I realized I had lacked insight into my own behaviour and recognized that although my expectations weren’t necessarily unreasonable, my expectation that everyone would meet them absolutely was.
I also faced the hard truth that the times I had felt upset with, or let down by a friend, it was likely often by my own doing. By having the expectation that their behaviour would match what was in my head, I was doing nothing more than guaranteeing myself some form of disappointment and probably doing a really good job of pissing them off along the way.
He’s Team Half-Empty. I’m Team Half-Full.
Joel is a wonderful man. I say this because, one, it’s true and two, because he has put up with me for the past 33 years.
We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin and when it came to how I used to handle unmet expectations he was in the thick of it — not always, but enough. Each time, he’d be there, ready to listen and to let me bitch.
One day though, after he had probably grown tired of it, he said, “Y’know? You need to lower your expectations.”
Um…“Excuse Me?!”
He said, “Look, you get your heart so set on things that this happens a lot. If you lower your expectations then you won’t be so disappointed so often.”
He then said somewhat jokingly, “I usually think everything is gonna be shit, so it’s always better than I expect and look at what a happy guy I am.”
I didn’t like that he told me to lower my expectations and I struggled with it. I struggled because I knew that having lofty expectations hasn’t only brought me disappointment.
Throughout my life, there have been many times where my big expectations have led to big and wonderful things. Without them, I don’t know if I could have taken on or accomplished or the things that I have. Naturally, when I’ve set goals, I’ve also envisioned the outcomes and what I hoped would come to pass. The power of expectation has allowed me to ‘dream big’ while drafting plans for my objectives and, I believe, was an essential part of them being met.
Also, lowering my expectations is just not something I’m comfortable doing. It’s entirely against my nature. It would take a very conscious effort for me to dial my hopes down and force myself to become a less positive and optimistic person. Why on earth would I do that?
But, was upping my cynicism the only solution? Was adopting a ‘glass-half-empty’ attitude my only answer?
So Now What?
I was conflicted.
How was I going to lead a more harmonious, happier life, where I felt more satisfaction and less disappointment if I refused to lower my expectations? How could I mitigate my discontent if I was unwilling to stifle my optimistic attitude?
I would love to say that I had an epiphany as a flock of glowing white birds took flight in unison into the bright blue sky giving me a sign, but really, it just came to me in the shower.
Somewhere between the shampoo and conditioner, I found myself saying the words, “Release them”.
“Release them”. I said it again
And then a third time. “Release them”.
Instantly, I got it. It was my little ‘Archimedes in the bathtub’ moment, my mini ‘Eureka!’. I smiled and said it again to myself once more and felt a sense of clarity wash over me that was more than just the running water. I felt I had cracked the code to my dilemma and found a solution.
It was the perfect work-around. Without having to lower them (phew!), I could cut my tether to my expectations and let them go. I could give myself the freedom to just be open to and happy with how things might actuallyunfold instead of being restricted and tied to how I thought they should.
A Different Kind of Catch and Release
But, reactions — those immediate behaviours and decisions, often unthinking and emotional, that happen in a split second, are hard to change.
Learning to notice my old responses, as they were happening in real-time so I could stop them in their tracks was even harder.
I worked on becoming much more self-aware. I practiced really paying attention to my reactions and my developing expectations so that I could recognize when ‘I was doing it again’.
When I could, I’d catch myself.
In those moments, those little conscious seconds where I could be mindful enough to notice what I was doing, I’d stop. I’d take a breath and remind myself to accept — not expect.
Catch. Release.
Catch. Release.
Catch. Release.
Over time, my emotional agility improved and through conscious effort, maturity and getting to a point in my life where I’ve only so many fucks left to give, I got better at catching and releasing.
I continued to remind myself that my expectations guaranteed me nothing, that they were incapable of starting or stopping anything, and couldn’t force anything, not those that were legitimate, or those that were false possibilities, into being.
I learned to move forward without expectation and to allow myself to be open to finding pleasure in the unexpected circumstances unfolding around me instead of mourning anticipations left unfulfilled.
Eventually, my reactions changed. I changed.
Guard the Perimeter
I’ve experienced more peace and contentment since learning to release my expectations. I find now that I enter into things with a greater sense of acceptance and curiosity. I’m more open to, and more interested in what will actually happen and less bound to my preconceived ideas. But, detaching myself from expectations in no way means I’ve stopped caring.
I still have standards — very defined boundaries, limits and lines that can be crossed. I protect them and won’t settle for people mistreating, disrespecting, ignoring, or repeatedly disappointing me.
So now, when it comes to those closest to me, if I find I am upset because something I was hoping for from a friend didn’t come, I try to do my best to understand why. What happened? Why have they let me down? Why didn’t they call, react, come through, or support?
Through reflection, I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s because I’ve failed to properly communicate.
If I haven’t been clear and upfront about what I need, having the expectation that my friends will do what I’m hoping for is like setting them up for a test they’ll fail. I mean my friends are good — but they’re not psychic — and they don’t deserve the wrath of my made-up narrative if I haven’t been open and honest.
So now, I do my best to not sit and stew. Now if there is something I want or need from a friend, and it matters, I tell them before I get pissy about it. I let those expectations go and I speak up, because, let’s face it, we can’t expect others to know how we’re feeling and only we are responsible for our own moods and our own happiness.
Let The Chips Fall Where They May
The further I distanced myself from my expectations, the more engaged I became in my experiences. I started to be more present in the actualities of my own story, open to the unpredictable, and accepting of life’s vacillations.
Now, many years later and many lessons learned, ’just roll with it’ is kinda’ how I roll.
Through releasing my expectations, I’ve become more flexible and more inclined to embrace all possibilities instead of just one.
Indeed there were, and always will be, situations or outcomes that don’t correspond with my initial needs, wants or goals. That’s OK, that’s life and things don’t always go as planned.
Now, I seek to make the most of it and I do my very best to adapt. I try to look at these instances as surprises, that maybe, just maybe, have the potential to turn into a special opportunity, a meaningful moment, a valuable lesson, a helluva great time, or…dare I say it….something that exceeds all expectation.
Now it’s your turn. What kind of grip to you have on your expectations? Do you hold onto them too tightly sometimes as I did? Or are you able to go with the flow? How do you react when your expectations aren’t met? Comment below and share whatcha’ got.